Yes, I’ve been absent from blogging for some time now. I think it's the insecurity in my creative writing skills, the perfectionist in me that doesn’t want to write if it’s not perfect, the people pleaser in me that thinks what I have to say won’t be of interest to others, and my comparison nature that thinks I have to be just as funny, creative and insightful as my blogging friends that has kept me from writing recently. (Yes, I am a believer in Jesus Christ, who struggles with all these things!)
I was on such a high after our miracle in DC! I came back and I was just really thankful for even being in line. It didn’t even matter to me if our dossier was in line behind a hundred or so others because we have such peace that we’re doing what God planned for us. Plus, I had heard some hopeful rumors that I was holding onto.
Well, on Thursday September 30th I flew down to Austin for the “Together for Adoption” conference and a flood of emotions arouse. Even before I arrived at the conference as I was talking with my Rwanda adoption friends I started to feel hit with the glum reality that our wait is likely going to be a very long time at the rate they are going. We knew the month or so after we returned from DC would be telling of our lead time, but somehow it didn’t hit me until I arrived in Austin that several weeks had already passed and there were no good signs of the hopeful rumors that the embassy would speed up.
On Friday at the conference they were discussing around the global orphan crisis topic and how as believers in the church we need to do something about it. Anxious emotions started stirring. I kept thinking, “I’m trying to do my part! I want to be a mom to a few of the 163 million orphans!” I think for me the problem sometimes feels like God’s timing. However, regardless of what my flesh and Satan want to tell me, I do really need to move in God’s perfect timing!
Since coming back from the conference I've been wrestling with anxiousness. I've so desperately wanted for God to open up another door that may be quicker. However, after a lot of prayer, seeking God's truth, and through some wise counsel, I'm currently feeling more clear-headed and out of the valley.
It's so crazy how one minute I can trust in God's faithfulness that he has shown me over and over, and the next I am trusting in myself! This entire blog post reminds me of Paul's words in Romans 7:15-20:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
It's so crazy how one minute I can trust in God's faithfulness that he has shown me over and over, and the next I am trusting in myself! This entire blog post reminds me of Paul's words in Romans 7:15-20:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
