The Darndest Things People Say

I wish a long time ago I would have documented all the darn things people say around the topics of infertility and adoption!  One of my favorites happened at Target the other day.  As the check out lady scanned my ovulation kit, she said (in her best Bon Qui Qui voice**)...

** "Girl, you pregnant?!?"

(Either I looked pregnant to her or she didn't know exactly what ovulation strips were.  Hmmm.)

"Well, no.  Ovulation strips are supposed to tell you when you're ovulating so you know when you have a chance to get pregnant.  Come to find out it's harder than I thought it would be!"

** "Just depends on the person, I guess.  I had me a baby and I didn't even have to try!"

(Awkward pause)

** "How long you been tryin'?"

"Oh, about 1 year 9 months total."

(Her mouth dropped like she had never heard of such a thing.)

** "Well, girrlll, you just need to take some of the Gerisel and you for sure get pregnant! I mean, Kaniqua said that's what she did and she got pregnant just like that!  You just get you some of that!...It will happen!"

"Oh, well, never heard of it.  Okay, thanks."

So, first thing I did when I got to the car..... googled "gerisel".  Yes, I did.  With a smile on my face.

Come to find out she meant "Geritol" which is a multi vitamin for old people (hence "geriatric").  You would be amazed at all the literature and testimonies on Geritol and pregnancy on the Internet.  Seriously!  Do the search!  I'm amazed I missed it in all my prior infertility research!  Just when I thought I had heard and read it all...

This story still makes me laugh.  Wish I had it on film.

My Reality

I hate my reality right now.  I want to run away- anywhere away from my reality.  Problem is even if I run I'm still childless.  More than that I have very little friends that don't have kids and so I feel extremely alone/left out.  So, I've thought about moving cities, even countries, but then I would be alone/lonely AND childless.  That can't be a good mix.  When will this heart ache end?  I want it to end!

   

Hard Times

I want to catch you up with a little more of our recent story.  In November when our adoption timeline was looking very uncertain and two of my dearest friends announced their pregnancies, we decided to pursue pregnancy again.   November through May was emotionally exhausting as we were desperately longing for a pregnancy and for our Rwandan baby.  Gratefully on Mother’s Day we discovered we were pregnant.  It was an amazingly joyful week but, devastatingly, we lost our baby a few days later.  Just when we thought life couldn't get worse, three weeks later we discovered our adoption is likely to fall through because of the new 6 month expiration on our approval. 

It’s been really tough season (duh, right?).  We’re grieving the miscarriage…grieving the adoption (but also holding onto some hope)… and grieving our dreams to have kids with majority of our friends.  We’ve been going through a range of emotions: denial, pain, anger, bargaining, depression, loneliness, and sometimes a little bit of acceptance. 

One of the hardest things right now is that there are no signs that tell us how many miles we have to go.  We only have our faith in God to direct us.  We often feel like everyone is on a parallel road in life and we want to be on that same road they’re traveling.  But instead we’re traveling behind watching others with the hope that we will join them as they move forward with their lives.  It’s just a sad thing to accept. 

But despite these valleys, we’re learning some valuable life lessons:

*My children are not mine- they are God’s.  This goes for our past and future biological and adopted children.

*I only have today, so I must take life one day at a time.   Everything outside of today is out of my control.  (Matt. 6:34)  

*Acceptance of my reality does not mean I have to like it.  When reality confronts our notion of what should be, reality always wins.  And if I don’t fully accept my situation I will never know if the situation should be changed.

Yesterday we marked the loss of our baby with a small ceremony.  We first prayed and read Psalms 121.  Then, we wrote notes to our baby on 5 yellow balloons and released them as a symbol of physically releasing this to the Lord.   Each balloon stood for the 5 days we celebrated our baby’s life.  Lastly, we planted a tree in memory of our baby.   This was such a sweet time between Isaac, I and the Lord- we’ll never forget it. 

Psalms 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— 
   where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the LORD, 
   the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip— 
   he who watches over you will not slumber; 
indeed, he who watches over Israel 
   will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you— 
   the LORD is your shade at your right hand; 
the sun will not harm you by day, 
   nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm— 
   he will watch over your life; 
the LORD will watch over your coming and going 
   both now and forevermore.