Yes, I’ve been absent from blogging for some time now. I think it's the insecurity in my creative writing skills, the perfectionist in me that doesn’t want to write if it’s not perfect, the people pleaser in me that thinks what I have to say won’t be of interest to others, and my comparison nature that thinks I have to be just as funny, creative and insightful as my blogging friends that has kept me from writing recently. (Yes, I am a believer in Jesus Christ, who struggles with all these things!)
I was on such a high after our miracle in DC! I came back and I was just really thankful for even being in line. It didn’t even matter to me if our dossier was in line behind a hundred or so others because we have such peace that we’re doing what God planned for us. Plus, I had heard some hopeful rumors that I was holding onto.
Well, on Thursday September 30th I flew down to Austin for the “Together for Adoption” conference and a flood of emotions arouse. Even before I arrived at the conference as I was talking with my Rwanda adoption friends I started to feel hit with the glum reality that our wait is likely going to be a very long time at the rate they are going. We knew the month or so after we returned from DC would be telling of our lead time, but somehow it didn’t hit me until I arrived in Austin that several weeks had already passed and there were no good signs of the hopeful rumors that the embassy would speed up.
On Friday at the conference they were discussing around the global orphan crisis topic and how as believers in the church we need to do something about it. Anxious emotions started stirring. I kept thinking, “I’m trying to do my part! I want to be a mom to a few of the 163 million orphans!” I think for me the problem sometimes feels like God’s timing. However, regardless of what my flesh and Satan want to tell me, I do really need to move in God’s perfect timing!
Since coming back from the conference I've been wrestling with anxiousness. I've so desperately wanted for God to open up another door that may be quicker. However, after a lot of prayer, seeking God's truth, and through some wise counsel, I'm currently feeling more clear-headed and out of the valley.
It's so crazy how one minute I can trust in God's faithfulness that he has shown me over and over, and the next I am trusting in myself! This entire blog post reminds me of Paul's words in Romans 7:15-20:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
It's so crazy how one minute I can trust in God's faithfulness that he has shown me over and over, and the next I am trusting in myself! This entire blog post reminds me of Paul's words in Romans 7:15-20:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."
1 comment:
Oh sweet friend. So much of this post speaks to my heart. The part about needing something significant and witty to say, and your emotional rollercoaster and feeling like an absolute nut from the swings in faith and heart. I tell ya...adoption has it's own "hormones", huh? I know that I have no idea what your wait is like, BUT I do understand not having any clue of what the wait might be. It feels like it was yesterday I was trying to get my heart at peace about having 3 and not 4. I have not wanted to be pregnant for years, probably 10 or 12 years to be honest, but all of the sudden I noticed myself somewhat jealous of baby bumps. When I got to thinking about it I realized it was that they kenw for MONTHS, almost a full year, when their child would come. And I felt some relief that it wasn't me wanting bio kids, but rather me wanting more control over my life. I know you know this, but God has already done incredible things in your life spiritually that will never leave you the same, and He's not done. I remember telling myself several days in a row..."chin up girl". I know it sucks this wait, and yet I know I can't even grasp what you're going through. I wish we could meet weekly for coffee because it makes such a difference for those of us here.
Love you guys and adore your hearts. Praying non-stop for you 3. I can't imagine how your arms ache to hold your baby. I know there's nothing I can say to take that ache away...I just pray that what I am saying isn't making it worse. I can't tell you how many people said things when we lost baby KK that made me wanna slap them. I hope you know my heart, and I want nothing more than something to move here.
In Him,
Molly
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